IFS & Consent
“Being able to say no makes yes a choice.” —adrienne maree brown
Consent is a mutual agreement between 2+ parties to engage in something happening. When we think of the concept of consent, it’s often related to sexual & body boundaries, but it’s also related to so many other situations.
Consent is a core component of feeling safe in a process with another person; it must be freely given (without pressure or coercion), clear, permission for a person to change their mind must be present, and the absence of “no” doesn’t equal a “yes”. It consists of ongoing choice in what happens to you.
Many people go through situations where true consent wasn’t practiced or offered, and where power was abused, leaving them feeling confused, ashamed, conflicted, and traumatized.
IFS & Consent
Internal permission
Trauma happens when our choice is taken away.
When we don’t have permission to choose, or to change our mind, or to say no, we aren’t able to give a full, authentic yes. As adrienne maree brown states, “Being able to say no makes yes a choice.”
When there’s ongoing permission to say no or to change our mind at any time, there’s room to authentically choose yes if it feels right.
This creates a free experience of “yes”, without people pleasing, feeling guilted, or feeling pressured into it.
Sometimes consent feels clear inside of ourselves. Sometimes, and especially for trauma survivors, it can be hard to distinguish whether you want to consent to something or not. Parts of us might say “yes”, while other parts of us say “I don’t know” or “not yet”. Other parts of us may not even know that we’re allowed to decide for ourselves.
Patricia Rich, a Certified IFS Therapist, identified a concept of “internal consent” (see the video below) which normalizes this complex experience inside, and highlights how important it is to slow down and allow permission for all parts to share how they feel about a thing before moving forward.
IFS models ongoing consent throughout the healing process. This model of therapy prioritizes getting permission from all parts each step of the way, so that all parts feel heard, seen, and understood about many different topics, instead of ignored, criticized, or dismissed.
If any of this speaks to you, if consent feels confusing, or if you’re interested in experiencing IFS in general for yourself, working with an IFS therapist can be helpful in getting more clarity on what consent looks & feels like in you.
