The Childfree Path
At some point, I started asking myself “what do I want?” - and I had to face a harsh reality that most of the answer opposed everything I was “supposed to” want.
This topic is a complicated one. In sitting down to write this, I notice parts of me that know how spicy this topic can get, and are anxious about pleasing any type of reader - those who have kids by choice, those who have kids not by choice, those without kids by choice, those who want kids but are unable, those who feel content and solid in their path years later, and those who hold regrets about it.
As someone whose values are rooted in feminism, I believe everyone deserves choice about what they want to do with their body and in their life path.
I truly believe that.
I’m also aware that many don’t/didn’t have the privilege of a choice related to this topic. I’m aware that it bumps up against many religious and political beliefs, and that many haven’t ever thought about it as something to have a choice about.
I’m aware that in our current political landscape, there are strong opinions about “childless cat ladies” which, if taken lightly, might be funny, and also it’s being used as a way to demonize a group of people.
With all of that being said, this blog post is specifically a space to explore the path of being childfree.
It’s not often very “socially acceptable” to make space for this experience and its challenges.
Conversations about this topic frequently are shut down and minimized because it’s perceived as…
…not having equal compassion for parents or the parenting experience
…irresponsible, purposeless, selfish
…meaning something is wrong with you
These are far from the truth.
It’s the societal norm and expectation of people with uteruses in many places (more so in certain areas - shoutout to folks like me who grew up in the midwest 👋). Folks who subscribe to this thinking sometimes struggle to understand why someone would choose to be childfree.
With it being the societal norm also means that many friends of childfree folks follow that expected path, and with that, comes many challenging emotions.
It’s important for this subgroup of folks to know that there’s space for all of them: grief, loss, empowerment, resentment, sadness, relief, doubt, freedom, and loneliness.
Being childfree in a world of parents also means living a path that involves processing those emotions - a lot.
When friends start having kids, relationships change. The way a close friendship once looked might not look that way again. Some relationships can shift and adapt (whether by choice or begrudgingly), and some will inevitably end. There might be understandable grief and loss in this process.
No one is immune to the social pressures and expectations around parenting. No one is immune to the disappointment and judgement projected by folks who subscribe to those norms and expectations, and therefore it’s normal to feel uncertainty or doubt at times. Learning to be with this uncertainty might be extremely challenging.
There might be a shift in one’s sense of belonging. The belonging and relatability once felt in a certain social circle might suddenly feel isolating and not as fulfilling. More to come on how challenging adult friendships can be in general 🥵, but finding childfree community with shared experiences is always important, and the same goes for folks in this subgroup. Luckily more people are talking more openly about the childfree experience, and there are more resources to help people connect, and find safe spaces to process these feelings.
Pause, and check-in.
What reactions are showing up as you’re reading? All of them are normal.
How do things shift when you have more awareness of them?
There’s nothing wrong with someone’s dreams happening to align with societal expectations - everyone deserves a right to choice & bodily autonomy - and these are such nuanced and complex topics.
The Childfree Path
I’m a person who was raised in the midwest (Missouri) where, although I grew up in Kansas City (one of the more progressive cities in the state), my upbringing was influenced by many Christian and conservative values.
I don’t identify as either of these things currently in my life, to be clear, but it took time, untangling, unlearning, and intentional reflection to figure that out.
At some point, I started asking myself “what do I want?” - and I had to face a harsh reality that most of the answer challenged what society implied I was “supposed to” want.
Acknowledging this opened doors not only to liberation and empowerment, but also isolation, confusion, and a lot of [ongoing] questioning. I’ve grown to be very familiar (and not yet comfortable) with uncertainty around this topic.
There’s no right answer or conclusion, no right or wrong way to go. My hopes are that I can hold a safe space for folks who know these particular uncertainties well. If you relate, or need a space to process, I’m happy to be an option. There’s room for you here, too.
