When Families Don’t Change
Children need connection to caregivers to survive. Ways they keep this connection may not be ideal to our adult brains, but they are often ways that made some sense at the time, and that alone is incredibly wise.
When people think of “trauma”, they often think about certain events, with a beginning/middle/end, that happen to us. The less talked about types of trauma are the ones that are less “clear-cut”; the ones with less obvious points of when they began and when they ended. These types of trauma are called “complex trauma”, “attachment trauma”, or “developmental trauma”.
Complex trauma is that which often happens in “smaller” pieces, repeatedly, over a long period of time. This often happens in childhood, and is the result of how well our caregivers were able keep us feeling safe (or fail to).
Some examples of this might be:
A child is repeatedly harmed (emotionally or physically) without the protection of a safe caregiver
A child feels afraid of their caregiver, or doesn’t trust that they can rely on their caregiver for protection or emotional safety
A child doesn’t receive appropriate soothing or emotional regulation, due to the caregiver not being attuned to the child’s needs, and/or the caregiver’s own trauma responses getting in the way
…Do any of these sound familiar?
Pause for a deep, slow, belly breath.
Because children don’t have much control over things in their life, they find ways (consciously or not) to survive the best they can and maintain connection with their caregivers.
This is because children need caregivers to survive (literally). These ways may not be ideal to our adult brains later on, but they are often ways that made some sense at the time, and that alone is incredibly wise.
These ways can sometimes show up as staying quiet/hiding, over-functioning and perfectionism, peacekeeping or taking the role of a mediator, acting out to seek soothing, finding it hard to hold someone accountable for harm or “fear of conflict”, and many other ways.
Having to do this can deeply impact how a person feels about themselves and their worth. It can lead to feeling “not good enough”, “not lovable”, “bad”, like “people can’t be trusted”, like your “feelings don’t matter”, like your “body is wrong”, like something is “your fault”, and the list goes on.
These are all extremely common (and often less obvious) ways that the impact of trauma can show up.
Another deep breath.
When Families Don’t Change
Later in life, we have a lot more choice about the relationship we want with our caregivers. Sometimes learning this is a challenge all on its own, not to mention then putting it into practice!
A large piece of this that is less talked about is the experience of working so hard to heal from the trauma you’ve been through, and to stop the continuation of harmful generational patterns, while simultaneously remaining connected to a family that hasn’t changed.
If, in this, you feel anger, disappointment, betrayal, resentment, shame, etc. you are not alone. There is understandably so much grief in the reality of this experience. These reactions are normal.
If you feel these things, it doesn’t mean you’re slipping backwards in your progress, or that you’re starting all the way over.
These are normal reactions to a very not-normal experience.
What’s true is that you didn’t deserve to go through any of this. It was never your responsibility to take on. You deserved capable, attuned caregivers accountable for their own “stuff”.
…another deep breath.
To witness patterns from your childhood trauma as an adult…
…holding both your current pain, while witnessing your childhood pain…
…feeling hurt in the present, while fully understanding, now, why the past hurt so much…
…can be a jolting experience.
Know that I see you, and that you aren’t alone in this.
There are so many resources out there that teach “how to set boundaries with your family” in various ways.
Usually, these are attempts to have older protective parts of you step in when having to interact, in an attempt to protect wounded younger parts of you from being hurt again.
Some of these resources might be helpful, and some of them might not feel like enough, because the experience of this is so complex.
Pause, and notice what’s been coming up for you while reading this.
What’s showing up in your body?
What do you need to do with what’s showing up? Stretch, feel your feet on the ground, unclench your jaw, let your shoulders drop, more deep breaths.
Maybe, in reading this, you’ve been feeling some things toward your family, or toward your younger self who had to experience what happened, or toward your adult self who has to continue witnessing these patterns. Notice all of that, as it’s important information in your healing process.
As isolating as this can feel, know that you don’t have to work through it on your own. As a trauma therapist, and a fellow trauma survivor, I have a deep understanding of these experiences, as well as specialized training in how to help you heal from them. You are so deserving of healing.
